little feet, big sky

Some days are better than others.

Some days, I can’t stand to be alive. I wake up to Spice pulling my hair, or kicking my chest and I want to just smother her with a pillow. I struggle to be cheery when she’s kept me up half the night and I’m anything but. I get annoyed with her easily and in turn, she spends most of the day randomly half-crying, as if to protest my sour mood. I’m tired and frustrated and spend the evening rushing through her bath, our dinner, and then to bed, just to start the whole damn cycle over again. I fall asleep thinking I can’t bear it, I can’t do this for even another day…

Some days, I can’t believe how lucky I am to have her and especially her. I’m in awe of how sweet she is, how enduring, how brilliant, how charming. I look at her and marvel that I have this amazing gem of a daughter, surely more wonderful than any daughter has ever been before. I cuddle her and play with her and think of strange things like how I wish I could just eat her cheeks, she’s so cute. I tuck her in close to me as I nurse her to sleep, wishing for just a moment we could freeze time and keep her small and safe like this forever.

So it goes. Some days are better than others.

My wonderful spouse helped out the other morning by having breakfast ready and waiting for me in the kitchen. There were Post-Its leading from the bedroom door downstairs, and a note on the stovetop explaining where everything was. He had thoughtfully set up a plate in the fridge, complete with sauteed mushrooms (my favorite), strawberries, slices of brie, a small chunk of butter, sliced tomatoes, a spoonful of cinnamon-currant peanut butter and two soft-boiled eggs. “Just add toasted bread”, the note declared. There was also a pre-poured cup of orange juice in the fridge, and a whole watermelon chopped up and in lunch-sized plastic containers. The microwave was preset for 40 seconds to reheat the mushrooms.

Needless to say, wow.

I was so about to tear into the spouse a couple of days ago for being self-involved and not more involved in getting ready for the homebirth when I happened to see this on his nightstand.

(In case you can’t read the full title, it’s The Birth Partner: Everything You Need to Know to Help A Woman Through Childbirth.)

Awww.

I spent the rest of the day instead telling him what a wonderful spouse he was and how much I loved him. :-)